Update:
I really did think the superglue was dry
Replacing the card is more for self-fulfillment than any logical or usage need, I failed to build a thing that should have been simple, I’m gonna give it another go, and succeed this time.
2 of the 3 superglued ports work, most of the time. I managed to clean out a lot of the gunk, and the laptop can charge.
The repair shop told me what I already suspected, that replacing the ports is actually more expensive than just buying a new board, because of the costs of labor.
I was going to upgrade my mainboard down the line anyways for battery life reasons (intel has to get better at this eventually, right?), so I can just slog through having 3 ports until then.